Regulate | Relate | Reason Series: Regulation Self-Check & Strategies

Stress hits us all a little differently, but not one of us is immune to it. Our team at KJ Consulting talks about stress a lot in order to normalize its existence and focus on ways to calm it versus ways to avoid it outright. Stress is the body’s way of letting you know some form of danger is approaching. And while said danger COULD be physical, more often than not it is an internal trigger that, when not addressed, can quickly become consuming. 

For me, I often feel the effects of stress before I can process the cause. It’s a little ache that starts at the between my shoulder blades. Not debilitating - I may pause to tilt my head back and forth in an effort to erase it, shrug my shoulders up and down. But because I have been conditioned to persevere rather than linger in discomfort, I often push through. And when I do, the stress my body was warning me about with a little signal can sometimes grow to consume my entire body. If I ignore it and let it build up, this stress can grow to fuel feelings of self-doubt, make me feel alone, and convince me that I am not capable of doing whatever task may be in front of me.

But the reality is that it’s not so much AVOIDING this consuming stress that helps, but having the tools to quiet it when it does arrive - to shrink it before it has the chance to grow. We’ve found with our own team and with the teams we support through KJ Consulting, that:

(1) reminding folks that stress is normal is KEY and

(2) a simple mantra - regulate, relate, reason - can have incredible calming power when we notice those warning signals of stress.

Regulate | Relate | Reason

The “regulate, relate, reason” framework comes from Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned trauma psychologist. We’ve blogged about it previously, and that’s partly because our team talks about it constantly. Whether we’re working with clients or self-evaluating, it’s a reminder that when stress surfaces, we must first ensure our physical safety needs are met, to calm our minds before we can rationally interact with others and/or problem solve. After the body is regulated, we can contemplate addressing relational needs and then engage in more complex thought or reasoning.

Regulation Self-Check

When you notice stress starting to creep into your body, go back to the basics. Physical safety involves more than your physical location, although that may be part of it. It also involves addressing your basic needs. Are you in need of a healthy meal? A large glass of water to hydrate? A walk around the block or house for some extra movement? Is the light in your space too bright? Might some calming music relax the feel of the space around you? If the answer to any of these questions is YES or even PROBABLY, listen to your body and give it what it needs. 

Regulation Strategy 1: Vagus Nerve Neck Mobility
One quick regulating exercise that our team loves is the Vagus Nerve neck mobility exercise. This activity is good to break patterns of tension and shift out of an activated state of mind - to be a little more calm and present. Try it out: 

1. Get seated in a comfortable position. Gently tilt your head to the left side- left ear towards left shoulder. If comfortable, push a bit with your left hand. You’re looking to feel some stretch but not pain. If this is uncomfortable to you, make the movement smaller.

2. Move your eyes only, look up and to the right. Hold this position and breathe normally for about 30 seconds. It’s normal to swallow, sigh/ yawn, or take a deeper breath.

3. Repeat on the right side. 

Regulation Strategy 2: Box Breathing

Another quick regulating method that our team uses often during training events is the box breathing exercise. The purpose of this quick activity is to become more aware of our own breathing by taking deep, full breaths in and out through the chest and belly. Try it out: 

1. Lay on your belly, so that you can feel where the breath is in your body. Lay flat and use your hands as a pillow.

2. If comfortable, close your eyes. 

3. Inhale through your nose in two parts. The first part of your inhale is into your belly. You will feel your belly press into the ground.

4. The second part of your inhale is into your chest. You will feel your chest press into the ground.

5. Then, exhale through your nose in two parts. First, exhale from your chest, feeling their chest rise away from the earth. Then, the second part of their exhale is from your belly, away from the earth.

6. Repeat 5-6 times.

Physical Safety First

We always remind our clients that only after we feel physically safe (“regulated”) are we able to form strong connections to others and engage in more complex thinking. So when I share above that when I ignore my stress signals and don’t pause to consciously regulate myself, it’s no wonder that I feel incapable and unsure of how to proceed through work that I can normally do. 

For more stress-reducing tips and ways to regulate/ relate/ reason when stress creeps into your life (because it will no matter how much you avoid it), sign up for our quarterly newsletter! We welcome you into our community as we navigate this world together.

Breathe-Move-Connect-Reflect

We tend to hear about people, myself often included, making New Year's resolutions framed in changed behaviors: I will workout MORE; I will eat MORE healthy foods; I will drink LESS; I will work LESS, and so on. This year I am taking a different approach - focusing on strategies that are rooted in research about how our minds and bodies are deeply connected, particularly as we navigate inevitable stress.

Earlier this week, I heard that about 50% of Americans will NOT make resolutions this year at all.  I’m not sure of the methodology behind this stat, but I get it. The past two years were not what we expected, and yet here we are ringing in another new year marred by the pandemic. So instead of narrowing in on the habits I could add to or take from my life, I’m approaching the year ahead with intentional grace for myself. I’m pondering: What are practices I already engage in that I can more intentionally continue to feel healthy, happy and whole? What are the things that I already know can serve me well, regardless of the inevitable ups and downs that 2022 has in store? This mindset flip is allowing me to reflect on what went well in 2021 despite all the challenges it brought. And what has evolved for me is a mantra of sorts: In 2022, I will breathe | move | connect  | reflect. (Shh- these are all things I’m already doing!) Bonus, this is inspired by research by scholars including Dr. Bruce Perry about how stress impacts the mind and body, and how we can navigate stress through mind-body strategies. Let’s dig in.

I will continue to breathe. I breathed my way through 2021- and so did you. Let’s pause to celebrate our collective presence.  For me, continuing to breathe looks like taking  moments of pause in my days. When kids are upset, adults often ask them to take a deep breath before they begin to unpack what’s behind the tears. The power of breath can be infinite if we notice our inhales and exhales, and rest in their beauty. So for me, a continued commitment to breath is a commitment to noticing what I am drawing in and out. Nothing fancy: I may time it, I may not, depending on the day. But I know this is a practice I want to and very easily can continue doing for myself in 2022 to keep me grounded.

I will continue to move. Not a specified number of miles a day or workouts per week or minutes on a bike. Instead, I will simply make myself a promise to continue to move. It may be an intense workout; it may not. But I will relish in the knowledge that a short midday walk brings me calm and that a softball game with my friends can do the same. In 2022, I will continue to think about movement in a way that is broader than “SMART goals”; motion that’s not attached to a quantifiable outcome but motion that simply energizes my body and mind. 

I will continue to connect. Perhaps most importantly, I know my sense of self is stronger and my outlook on the world happier when I am in community. Sometimes this is in community with friends, other times it’s with my family, and sometimes it’s with the other dog owners at the park.  The ability to converse and be present with others brings me joy, and we know that being in community is a deep, innate human need. And for me it’s not about doing that any differently in the new year, but rather continuing it.

I will continue to reflect. My reflections don’t always look like they’re “supposed to.” I don't journal in the same notebook (I have about three where I store my musings, along with a few Google and Evernote documents) nor at the same time of day. Scheduled reflection may totally work for you. But regardless of how, where or when it’s done, I know that reflection brings about my personal growth. And in allowing my brain to think back in order to move forward, I am doing myself an important service. 

Reflecting in this way allows me to look back at moments that uplifted me in 2021. It gives me time to think about what was instead of what was not. And to frame my reflections with a focus on  what I want to keep doing - not what I want to change. This mindset gives me grace and the ability to enter 2022 with a commitment to staying grounded in what is good for my brain and body.

Breathe | Move | Connect | Reflect. That’s my “formula” for personal balance and one I like the ring of. As you all know if you’ve been following my recent work, the majority of my workshops have focused on how the brain and body are interconnected, and the importance and power of embracing our feelings and emotions as a natural part of us. These four words are becoming not only my personal formula for balance but one I am ready to integrate into my work life as well. As we allow ourselves to Breathe | Move | Connect | Reflect, we can encourage others to do the same, and strive to co-create safer spaces where we all can make room for our own humanity to thrive.

Stress, Type, and Mind-Body Connections!

Let’s get right to it: If you have a brain and a body, you have stress. Yup- it’s a fact. We can’t avoid stress all the time. Of course you can seek out situations we think will be less stressful, or avoid certain experiences entirely to minimize our stress, but our bodies are wired to experience it. To navigate this reality, let’s strive to view stress more as a given in our world rather than something we need to avoid. Stress is- and will always be- as sure a part of daily lives as our need for food, shelter and water. It’s what compelled our ancestors to run from threats like bears, and--  if we’re thinking about it through a positive lens--  it can compel us to change our behaviors in our modern world, too.  

But let’s be real: the ‘stress’ we are more used to experiencing is the negative kind. This often shows up in our bodies as sweaty palms, feeling jittery and unfocused, being on a short fuse, and may bring with it physical ailments like an aching back or headache.  And the reality of a global pandemic on top of the stress our bodies were already experiencing has put many of us in a more heightened and more frequent state of stress. E-x-h-a-u-s-t-i-n-g. In some ways our brains have adapted to pandemic stress over time -- at this point we likely pay less conscious attention to the changes of the pandemic than we did in March of 2020 --  but our bodies are still undergoing pandemic stress, as the threats and fears persist.

So what might it look like to better understand the innate connections between our brains and bodies when it comes to stress, instead of ignoring the links? Because the reality is that the more equipped we can become at navigating stressors in our lives (notice I said ‘navigating’ rather than ‘eliminating’) the more calm, at ease, relaxed, and joyful we can be. And isn’t that something we can all use more of?

If you’re curious about strategies to  proactively manage stress in your life, the first thing I recommend is the practice of pausing and noticing. If you’ve been following along with my blogs thus far, you know that I'm a big fan of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI® ). When it comes to stress, the MBTI® tool is another resource to work through stressful moments with a better understanding of why they happened and how to alleviate them. As I’ve shared before, I am an Extravert (or “E.”) And I am working to notice when I feel particularly drained or “stressed” at the end of a workday- even when I am doing work that I love. At my best, I pause and ask myself some questions before I start “treating” the symptom.  For me, these questions sound like: What happened during my day? Did I get a chance to interact with others (an energizer for me as an E)? Did I get to share big ideas with others (another energizer, as an ENTP)? When the answer is no-- which it can be with my virtual work-- I know more about the source of my stress. Without this quick reflection, I have a tendency to give in to the exhaustion, or jump to some illogical conclusions- like “I’m stressed out because of my job,” when the reality may be that I’m not working enough in ways that serve my preference as an E. Pausing to make these connections can be a game changer. 

With this reflection in mind, I know I can proactively adjust my daily schedule to avoid feeling stressed out after a particularly long day.  I might pause for a quick walk or lunch with a friend, work at a co-working space, or schedule a  brainstorm session with one of my teammates to bring myself back into balance and create a less stressed state in which to operate. Not to say that my days won’t ever end in stress- but a better understanding of my innate preferences helps me feed my preferences to maintain focus and re-energize when needed. 

I’m excited that next month, I will be presenting a session at the AusAPT Conference: “Type and Stress: Your Type and Mind/ Body Connections” and I can’t wait for this opportunity! My 60 minute session will dive more deeply into what’s covered in this blog post: how stress overlaps with MBTI® Type and mind-body connections, and what we can do with this knowledge. My goal is for all participants to leave with a sense of how they can individually manage their own stress more proactively via a deepened understanding of brain-body connections and the MBTI® tool.

The Power of Journaling

“Respond from the center of the hurricane, rather than reacting from the chaos of the storm.” - George Mumford

Welcome to the end of 2020, a year that has been extremely difficult for everyone. When the pandemic first hit, I was living in Atlanta and had just flown to Dallas for work. As I sat at a restaurant with a friend, the news broke that the NBA season was being canceled due to players testing positive for the virus. As I’m a lifelong athlete and sports fan, this blew my mind and signaled the beginning of an unbelievable shift in life as we knew it. 

At what would have been the end of my Dallas trip, I canceled my flight, stayed with friends for a few extra days, and waited as the impact on Texas unfolded. Ultimately, I chose to drive back to Georgia and self-quarantine. While in Georgia, knowing the impact that our bodies and minds constantly have on each other, I set a goal to hit 15,000 steps every day that the weather would permit. I felt that impact more profoundly than ever during the first few months of the pandemic, as I started looking forward to walking in nature and doing yoga to calm my mind and body in such a stressful, painful time. 

Another practice that has helped me throughout the pandemic has been writing in a loosely structured journal. Reflecting on what I am grateful for and what I am looking forward to reminds me to pay attention to small wins and blessings in each moment. 

To share these strategies and hopefully a measure of the peace that they brought me with others, I wrote my own journal this year. The journal combines mind-body prompts, self-reflection, and gratitude - all of which have helped me throughout the pandemic. I am so excited to share the Mind-Body Journal with you, so much that I’m using it to kick off the first three months of the near year. If you would like to join me, click here to purchase your own journal, and if you want one-on-one support for setting goals, shoot me a quick note at katie@kjconsultinggroup.com. 

For further reading, check out these tips for setting goals, the back to the future planning process, and mind-body strategies to navigate stress. 

Your Teammate, 

Katie

Regulate > Relate > Reason: Mind-Body Strategies for Navigating Stress

As the unprecedented health crisis persists, I have been reflecting on the links between our minds and bodies, and how to care for ourselves and loved ones when we face extreme stress. Though we often view our minds and bodies as separate, they are constantly impacting each other, whether or not we acknowledge it. 

Leaders like Zaretta Hammond, Brené Brown, and Dr. Bruce Perry provide insight into the stress that our brains and bodies experience, and why it is challenging to reach the same levels of productivity or complex thought as we did before the pandemic. First, the brain and body are always connected, and they are sending signals back and forth constantly, even when we are asleep. We are not a brain in a jar, or a disconnected body. Our physiological processes, thoughts, and emotions impact each other throughout every moment of our lives. To demonstrate this, let’s go through a quick exercise together. 

Noticing Brain-Body Links

1. Pause to think about a time you felt angry. 

• Notice how you feel when remembering your anger. 

• Does your heart rate speed up, or does your breathing change? What else do you feel in your body?

When I did this I felt my heart rate speed up, and my breathing became quicker and shallower.

2. Take a slow, deep breath and exhale to reset. 

3. Now, think about a time when you were joyful.

• Notice how you feel when remembering your joyful moment.

• Does your heart rate or breathing change? 

When I tried this, I noticed a shift in my eyes, an automatic smile, and a sense of calm.

“Respond from the center of the hurricane, rather than reacting from the chaos of the storm.”

– George Mumford

What Can We Do About It?

The main job of our incredibly complex brains is to keep us alive, starting with the brainstem, which constantly scans our environments for threats. Though we can thank the brainstem for keeping us alive, on the flip side, it may be sending us signals of danger during the pandemic. If we are feeling emotionally unsafe or unwell in the current reality, we can get stuck in fear mode more frequently. 

To fight against this, check out the below “Regulation” strategies, which tell our brains that we are physically safe. 

Regulate - Strategies for Physical Safety:

• Stay hydrated throughout the day 

• Eat healthy food 

• Include signs of safety in our environment - soft light, soothing music, calming smells

• Breathe deeply - mindfulness practices, yoga, exercise, and body scans can help us focus on our breath.

• Move our bodies every day

Once we feel physical safety, our brains’ main focus shifts to relational safety - our innate need for belonging. Like our physical safety, our relational safety looks very different than it did before the pandemic, so we must adjust how we satisfy those needs. With physical distancing, it is even more important to connect with loved ones. As Brené Brown states, “we are wired for connection.” Zaretta Hammond explains that “Relationships are not just emotional; they have a physical component” and “exist at the intersection of mind-body.” Below are some suggestions for seeking relational safety during this time. 

Relate - Strategies for Relational Safety: 

• Connect with loved ones on video and phone

• Safely spend time with loved ones in person 

• Allow each other to process feelings in a non-judgemental way 

• Laugh together - watch funny shows on video, host virtual game nights

• Continue to check on each other as the new reality of physical distancing persists

Finally, once our bodies feel physical and relational safety, only then can we effectively engage in more complex thought through the brain’s cortex. As Zaretta Hammond writes,  “Relationships ... are the precursor to learning.”  As Daniel Goleman puts it, when we are in “emotional distress, one cost is the effectiveness of working memory: we can’t think straight.” Below are some tips for engaging in complex thought or “Reason” as the pandemic continues.

Reason - Strategies for Complex Thought: 

• Practice Regulate and Relate strategies daily

• Give ourselves grace, knowing our needs for physical and relational safety come first

• Adjust our expectations for the timing and amount of complex thought we can sustain

• Leverage others’ perspective; Have virtual co-working sessions over phone or video

• Tap into your work style preferences using a tool like the Myers Briggs Type Indicator

These Regulate > Relate > Reason strategies are generalized, so keep in mind that everyone is different. Let’s continue to prioritize mind-body strategies for ourselves and others throughout 2020 and beyond.

Mind/Body Strategies from a Quarantined Extrovert

Sea lion yoga

“If you must look back, do so forgivingly. If you must look forward, do so prayerfully. However, the wisest thing you can do is to be present in the present. Gratefully.” 

- Maya Angelou

These last few weeks in the U.S. have been unprecedented, confusing, difficult, frustrating, scary, and filled with grief. To manage my stress, I’ve been incorporating mind/body strategies. Thinking about the future now increases my anxiety and fear, so focusing on my body through practical strategies and connecting with loved ones gives me a positive experience in the present moment, as I practice a more still presence. 

Though mindfulness is a word that is thrown around a lot, I encourage you not to overlook it. Paying attention, stillness, quiet, slowing down, breathing…these are practices that are valuable to all of us, and that have been key components of faith-based practices for thousands of years. The ambiguous situation we currently face is incredibly challenging, and yet mindfulness practices bring me moments of peace even on difficult days. They help me slow down, breathe, pay attention, and broaden my perspective about what connection means. 

I have started doing yoga every day, and when the weather permits, I take (physically distant) walks in my neighborhood. Prior to the pandemic, I would run while listening to music, but recently, I silenced the headphones and slowed to a long walk, realizing I was not in a hurry to cut my exercise short or consume information quickly. Over time, I began to notice more external sounds…water flowing, birds chirping, my feet on the rocky path, the wind whipping past my ear. Our brains encounter so many potential inputs, they have to work hard to choose what to pay attention to. Without the stimulus of the music and at this slower pace, my brain was free to pay attention to the rich beauty of the natural world around me. 

Cherry Blossom trees in ATL

As I continued my walks, I started to appreciate the gorgeous intricacy of the trees, water, rocks, birds, and squirrels. This reminded me of a recent unforgettable 40th birthday trip to the Galapagos in which I was forced to slow down and notice the beauty around me, as we rarely had cell service but were surrounded by breathtakingly gorgeous nature. On that trip, we took daily walks during the wee hours of the morning with a naturalist guide. The first day as I awoke to embark before the sunrise, I thought, “I hope waking up this early is worth it.” I was used to on-demand entertainment and heavy stimuli, rather than simply taking a walk and learning about plants and wildlife. But over time on that trip, I gradually noticed birds that previously seemed camouflaged in trees, countless sea lions and iguanas hiding among the rocks, and cacti that grew at different heights based on the predators on their specific islands. I deepened my understanding of the interconnectedness of our natural world and of details I previously ignored.

I realized that what’s jaw-dropping about the Galapagos is not that you will see odd animals, but how unbothered the animals are by humans, and how close they will get to you as a result. One day, you may quietly approach a beach where flamingos enjoy a morning stroll without flying away, you may encounter penguins who swim close enough to curiously peck the GoPro, or you may even lay on a beach where sea lions waddle up to nap alongside you. 

Penguins in the Galapagos

The more I walked on that trip and now back in Georgia, I started to appreciate the cool shade provided by the trees. I noticed the weather shifting from sunny and warm to overcast and breezy within the time frame of a walk, and I marveled at a bird quickly shifting its tail as it repositioned itself on a branch. In the past, I would have missed all of these details, jamming to an upbeat playlist and ignoring the world, ready for the next highly stimulating activity. I had disconnected myself and dismissed the awe of nature, zipping past natural wonders and mindlessly seeking instant, artificial entertainment.  

Existing in this current reality, staying home and away from people I care about to do my part in stopping the spread, is incredibly difficult for me, as it is for all of us. I am an extrovert and am screaming inside with my heart ripping at the seams out of a desire to hug and spend time with my loved ones. I feel like I am disconnected from my lifeblood, from face to face interaction with people. I want to go back to normalcy as soon as possible, to talk to my friends in person over tacos, work at my co-working space, go to church, or volunteer to help in some tangible way. 

As with all of us, I have a long list of activities I can’t wait to do when this is over. But I know we have to wait, because we are interconnected with each other, as we are with the trees, the birds, and the rocky paths. We are deeply linked with the life that breathes all around us, whether we notice it or not. We have to wait for the safety of our society, for the health of our loved ones and of others’ loved ones. 

Walks in Georgia

Because of our connection, we have to momentarily disconnect with each other physically, but this does not mean we must lose connection. As we are forced to pay less attention to in-person interactions, our brains may be more awakened to our link to the natural world around us and to the calm, steady power of our breath.

As we wait, some of my strategies for mind/body connections are: focusing on the present day, gratitude, walking, yoga, prayer, and connection. This experience of being isolated from loved ones is gut wrenching, but it is an opportunity to teach me something different, to pay attention, move at a slower pace, and listen. 

Thank you for reading, and check out some of my favorite mind/body resources: 

Books: 

• The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down, Haemin Sumin

• Wherever You Go, There You Are, Jon Kabat Zinn

• Mindfulness for Beginners, Jon Kabat Zinn 

• Meditation is Not What You Think, Jon Kabat Zinn 

• Present Over Perfect, Shauna Niequiest

• The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D.

• Overcoming Trauma Through Yoga, David Emerson

• Braiding Sweetgrass, Robin Wall Kimmerer  

Yoga Videos, Meditations, and Podcasts: 

• Brené Brown’s Podcast “Unlocking Us”

• Sarahbeth Yoga

• Body Scan from Les Mills 

• Guided Meditations from 10 Percent Happier