Regulate | Relate | Reason Series: Regulation Self-Check & Strategies

Stress hits us all a little differently, but not one of us is immune to it. Our team at KJ Consulting talks about stress a lot in order to normalize its existence and focus on ways to calm it versus ways to avoid it outright. Stress is the body’s way of letting you know some form of danger is approaching. And while said danger COULD be physical, more often than not it is an internal trigger that, when not addressed, can quickly become consuming. 

For me, I often feel the effects of stress before I can process the cause. It’s a little ache that starts at the between my shoulder blades. Not debilitating - I may pause to tilt my head back and forth in an effort to erase it, shrug my shoulders up and down. But because I have been conditioned to persevere rather than linger in discomfort, I often push through. And when I do, the stress my body was warning me about with a little signal can sometimes grow to consume my entire body. If I ignore it and let it build up, this stress can grow to fuel feelings of self-doubt, make me feel alone, and convince me that I am not capable of doing whatever task may be in front of me.

But the reality is that it’s not so much AVOIDING this consuming stress that helps, but having the tools to quiet it when it does arrive - to shrink it before it has the chance to grow. We’ve found with our own team and with the teams we support through KJ Consulting, that:

(1) reminding folks that stress is normal is KEY and

(2) a simple mantra - regulate, relate, reason - can have incredible calming power when we notice those warning signals of stress.

Regulate | Relate | Reason

The “regulate, relate, reason” framework comes from Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned trauma psychologist. We’ve blogged about it previously, and that’s partly because our team talks about it constantly. Whether we’re working with clients or self-evaluating, it’s a reminder that when stress surfaces, we must first ensure our physical safety needs are met, to calm our minds before we can rationally interact with others and/or problem solve. After the body is regulated, we can contemplate addressing relational needs and then engage in more complex thought or reasoning.

Regulation Self-Check

When you notice stress starting to creep into your body, go back to the basics. Physical safety involves more than your physical location, although that may be part of it. It also involves addressing your basic needs. Are you in need of a healthy meal? A large glass of water to hydrate? A walk around the block or house for some extra movement? Is the light in your space too bright? Might some calming music relax the feel of the space around you? If the answer to any of these questions is YES or even PROBABLY, listen to your body and give it what it needs. 

Regulation Strategy 1: Vagus Nerve Neck Mobility
One quick regulating exercise that our team loves is the Vagus Nerve neck mobility exercise. This activity is good to break patterns of tension and shift out of an activated state of mind - to be a little more calm and present. Try it out: 

1. Get seated in a comfortable position. Gently tilt your head to the left side- left ear towards left shoulder. If comfortable, push a bit with your left hand. You’re looking to feel some stretch but not pain. If this is uncomfortable to you, make the movement smaller.

2. Move your eyes only, look up and to the right. Hold this position and breathe normally for about 30 seconds. It’s normal to swallow, sigh/ yawn, or take a deeper breath.

3. Repeat on the right side. 

Regulation Strategy 2: Box Breathing

Another quick regulating method that our team uses often during training events is the box breathing exercise. The purpose of this quick activity is to become more aware of our own breathing by taking deep, full breaths in and out through the chest and belly. Try it out: 

1. Lay on your belly, so that you can feel where the breath is in your body. Lay flat and use your hands as a pillow.

2. If comfortable, close your eyes. 

3. Inhale through your nose in two parts. The first part of your inhale is into your belly. You will feel your belly press into the ground.

4. The second part of your inhale is into your chest. You will feel your chest press into the ground.

5. Then, exhale through your nose in two parts. First, exhale from your chest, feeling their chest rise away from the earth. Then, the second part of their exhale is from your belly, away from the earth.

6. Repeat 5-6 times.

Physical Safety First

We always remind our clients that only after we feel physically safe (“regulated”) are we able to form strong connections to others and engage in more complex thinking. So when I share above that when I ignore my stress signals and don’t pause to consciously regulate myself, it’s no wonder that I feel incapable and unsure of how to proceed through work that I can normally do. 

For more stress-reducing tips and ways to regulate/ relate/ reason when stress creeps into your life (because it will no matter how much you avoid it), sign up for our quarterly newsletter! We welcome you into our community as we navigate this world together.

Regulate > Relate > Reason: Mind-Body Strategies for Navigating Stress

As the unprecedented health crisis persists, I have been reflecting on the links between our minds and bodies, and how to care for ourselves and loved ones when we face extreme stress. Though we often view our minds and bodies as separate, they are constantly impacting each other, whether or not we acknowledge it. 

Leaders like Zaretta Hammond, Brené Brown, and Dr. Bruce Perry provide insight into the stress that our brains and bodies experience, and why it is challenging to reach the same levels of productivity or complex thought as we did before the pandemic. First, the brain and body are always connected, and they are sending signals back and forth constantly, even when we are asleep. We are not a brain in a jar, or a disconnected body. Our physiological processes, thoughts, and emotions impact each other throughout every moment of our lives. To demonstrate this, let’s go through a quick exercise together. 

Noticing Brain-Body Links

1. Pause to think about a time you felt angry. 

• Notice how you feel when remembering your anger. 

• Does your heart rate speed up, or does your breathing change? What else do you feel in your body?

When I did this I felt my heart rate speed up, and my breathing became quicker and shallower.

2. Take a slow, deep breath and exhale to reset. 

3. Now, think about a time when you were joyful.

• Notice how you feel when remembering your joyful moment.

• Does your heart rate or breathing change? 

When I tried this, I noticed a shift in my eyes, an automatic smile, and a sense of calm.

“Respond from the center of the hurricane, rather than reacting from the chaos of the storm.”

– George Mumford

What Can We Do About It?

The main job of our incredibly complex brains is to keep us alive, starting with the brainstem, which constantly scans our environments for threats. Though we can thank the brainstem for keeping us alive, on the flip side, it may be sending us signals of danger during the pandemic. If we are feeling emotionally unsafe or unwell in the current reality, we can get stuck in fear mode more frequently. 

To fight against this, check out the below “Regulation” strategies, which tell our brains that we are physically safe. 

Regulate - Strategies for Physical Safety:

• Stay hydrated throughout the day 

• Eat healthy food 

• Include signs of safety in our environment - soft light, soothing music, calming smells

• Breathe deeply - mindfulness practices, yoga, exercise, and body scans can help us focus on our breath.

• Move our bodies every day

Once we feel physical safety, our brains’ main focus shifts to relational safety - our innate need for belonging. Like our physical safety, our relational safety looks very different than it did before the pandemic, so we must adjust how we satisfy those needs. With physical distancing, it is even more important to connect with loved ones. As Brené Brown states, “we are wired for connection.” Zaretta Hammond explains that “Relationships are not just emotional; they have a physical component” and “exist at the intersection of mind-body.” Below are some suggestions for seeking relational safety during this time. 

Relate - Strategies for Relational Safety: 

• Connect with loved ones on video and phone

• Safely spend time with loved ones in person 

• Allow each other to process feelings in a non-judgemental way 

• Laugh together - watch funny shows on video, host virtual game nights

• Continue to check on each other as the new reality of physical distancing persists

Finally, once our bodies feel physical and relational safety, only then can we effectively engage in more complex thought through the brain’s cortex. As Zaretta Hammond writes,  “Relationships ... are the precursor to learning.”  As Daniel Goleman puts it, when we are in “emotional distress, one cost is the effectiveness of working memory: we can’t think straight.” Below are some tips for engaging in complex thought or “Reason” as the pandemic continues.

Reason - Strategies for Complex Thought: 

• Practice Regulate and Relate strategies daily

• Give ourselves grace, knowing our needs for physical and relational safety come first

• Adjust our expectations for the timing and amount of complex thought we can sustain

• Leverage others’ perspective; Have virtual co-working sessions over phone or video

• Tap into your work style preferences using a tool like the Myers Briggs Type Indicator

These Regulate > Relate > Reason strategies are generalized, so keep in mind that everyone is different. Let’s continue to prioritize mind-body strategies for ourselves and others throughout 2020 and beyond.